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My little miracle: Being a stepmom while pregnant

April 18, 2013

I am half way through my first pregnancy. I was starting to get a hang of this family life when I got pregnant. The pregnancy is very much wanted. All though the changes are being welcomed it does add some challenges.

I have always dreamed of becoming a mom. As probably any woman dreaming of this, I have pictured myself finding a man, then having our first born together. That is not the case in a stepfamily. My husband has two children from relationships he had before him and I got involved. My firstborn will not be his firstborn. This is a fact I have known since the day we decided to date, but being pregnant I am not only facing the fact but emotions. Being a stepmom and pregnant, me and my husband is not sharing this “first time experience”.

I started doing some pregnancy yoga this week. I thought it would be an appropriate exercise in my condition. I was not prepared for how powerful it would be for me emotionally. Sitting there in the yoga class, in a nice, calm atmosphere, surrounded by only pregnant women, I got to focus entirely on my pregnancy for the first time so far in this journey. I got to connect with my pregnancy on a deep level. It felt good, but also sad. I sat there realizing that as a stepmom, there are so many things that demands my attention. I am expecting my first born, but I have to behave as it is my third child. I realized that this is on several levels:

– In our house we have three spacious bed rooms. My stepchildren have one room each, as they have a 5 year age difference, and one is a girl and the other is a boy. We do not have a room I can make into a nursery room, because my husband`s children all ready own the rooms. So I do not have a special place for my baby in the house. Even though I am not due in another 4,5 months, I have all ready cleared out a shelf in our walking closet for the baby`s things. I would have had so much delight in preparing a nursery room, but my dream of a beautiful, calm room has been reduced to a shelf in a wardrobe.

– Much of my time and energy goes to my stepchildren. My husband is a very active dad, who managed well before I entered the picture. However, in order to function as a family, I have wanted to participate. Being an important person in someone`s life, is a privilege. However, my efforts in the family does take my focus away from my pregnancy.

– The house we have bought is not a home we chose for our baby. We bought it to provide a good and stable life for my oldest stepchild. Being pregnant, I feel the need for settling down a place for the sake of my baby. Even though every bone in my body screams for focusing on my baby, I need to continue making decisions that also benefit my stepchildren. Distance to grandparents and close friends are a few of the sacrifices I am making in order to provide good conditions for my stepchildren. Being pregnant, I want to “build a nest” focusing on the baby, but stepfamily life limits that to a certain degree.

At the end of the yoga class, the teacher asked us to think of a word that will support us through the process. Most of the women said “joy” or “love”. While I could only think of one word: Miracle. In that moment I connected with my feelings, that to me this pregnancy is a miracle. As I was sharing my word, my voice cracked. I had not allowed myself focusing on the miracle in my life, as so many other things are stealing my attention: cooperation issues, daily organization of my stepchildren`s activities etc. Money, time and energy is poured into them, leaving less space to my own miracle. Tears filled my eyes. I decided in that very moment to not let anything rob me of my miracle. This IS my firstborn, this is MY miracle and I will make as huge space inside of me as I need to be.

My little miracle will be given a less space; emotionally, practically, physically, financially, than if it was the first child in our house. But in my heart, I do not have to limit the space I am giving my baby.

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9 Comments
  1. thebabydoctorswife permalink

    Sorry to comment again, but once again I am shocked about how similar we are. We also don’t have an extra room for our baby. My step-kids have huge rooms with walk-in closets, and we had to turn a little loft into a nursery. It is VERY cute, don’t get me wrong, but I am a little emotional about it. I totally understand what you are going through!!!

    • Thank you for your comment. I am glad to hear someone understands! That means a lot and can be very comforting. I would love to hear more about your experiences and will certainly check out your blog. When are you due? Such an exciting time for us, isn’t?

      • thebabydoctorswife permalink

        I am due September 19th, you? I live out in Tucson. Where are you from? I love how much we relate. I have never met anyone in the same situation. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it certainty can be hard. Xo

  2. I am due September 16th. I am also going for a natural birth; only bath tup and acupuncture etc 🙂
    I am from Norway, Europe. It sure is a hard position to be a stepmom, but I love my little family so much.

  3. firsttimer permalink

    I am due in October and am in the same spot. My little one will be crammed into half a room and so much of my energy & worry goes to my step-child. I feel a bit cheated to be honest. I am very glad I stumbled across your post! You’re right: this baby is MY miracle and MY firstborn. Thank you for writing.

    • Yes it can sure feels like being cheated. I try to focus on the blessings but sometimes the worries can feel overwhelming. I am due in September. I would love to keep in touch and exchange experiences. If you want to feel free to write to healthystepfamily@gmail.com

  4. Rebecca permalink

    I am in your position, same two kids boy and girl, well managed dad and a home where I do not know where my baby will be. All and everything was done for his kids. Now that I am pregnant he doesn’t seem excited or happy about my bundle of joy as how I would be. My dreams were as like as yours but it had all changed since the day we got serious, knowing that all of my expectations will be put aside to cope with his life. All of my time and energy spends on my step kids from day one and now that I’m having my own, it seems to not cope very well with my current life. I don’t want my husband to feel as though I don’t care for him or his kids but since I’ve realised that I’m blessed with my own, he seems distance and everything I do bothers him. Its like I don’t know what to do or expect in this relationship since it has a change of me being pregnant.

  5. Lou permalink

    Hi I’m in the same situation, and feeling very hopeless! My baby will be in the landing of the stairway just outside out bedroom and wont have its own room.
    My partner doesn’t talk about the baby unless its cost or purchases for the baby. I feel very lonely and starting to regret getting myself into this situation. I love him but don’t know if my baby will be loved or cared for as much as his does for his first. He feels bad that he is not there all the time for his first.
    I need help and have been looking for an answer to stop feeling this way but I don’t know how!

    • Hi. I’m about very active on my blog anymore. Sorry for my late reply. How are you doing? Maybe your baby has arrived? I hope that you have settled and feeling more peace about your situation now. Sorry I wasn’t there for you in august to support you. A baby sure changes a stepfamily. I hope you experience the change to be better than what you feared.

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