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How to cope…

May 16, 2013

“You are so stressed out”. She looked at me. It was transition day. Our last transition day had been the hardest so far in our journey. I could hear the echo of an adult voice. The characteristics of me on each transition day, often a new one. Either it is about my car being unsafe or I give bad advice, there is always something new. How do I respond? 

I try different approaches. “Do you really think i give bad advices? That is not good if I do. It must be hard to listen to a bad advice”. Or maybe ignoring. Or that time with the car when the child actually said “mom says your car is unsafe”, I said “really? That is not a very nice thing to say, why did she say that?”. 

I never know how to respond. The comments are unpredictable. Sometimes I smile or laugh. But inside me I cry. Inside me I feel sorry for myself: “I do all these things for your child. I spend all my money, time and energy, and this is how you treat me?”. 

Why are there different rules for how a stepmom is being treated? Like last time I delivered my stepson (different mom). He was sick, and I took care of him for a couple of hours because his mom needed to work. I brought him to her job, waited for her, and there she came. She did not dignify me with even a look or a “hi”. A “thank you” was obviously completely out of the question. I stood there being anything but shocked. Then afterwards I thought to myself “If I had a child, and someone took care of him, looked after him while I worked, brought him to me happy, would I not thank that someone?”- 

Being a stepmom truly means being stepped on at times. 

 

What a miracle that my stepchildren do not treat me any worse than they do! What a miracle that we can actually have such a good family life, despite of everything. 

How to cope? Sometimes I really have no clue. My heart is being stepped on because I am a stepmom. I do not deserve being treated with respect, it seems like. I whisper “they do not know me, they are hurt. Hurting people hurt others. I will not hurt them back.”

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7 Comments
  1. thebabydoctorswife permalink

    I understand every little thing you are saying. I get those comments too, more so when the littlest was 7 or 8. She is learning now and doesn’t dare say things like that even though I am certain her Mom says things to them about me. I have too many stories about that to share in this one post.. They feel very “tied” to their mothers, and in my opinion and feel guilty for not being loyal to them. I know both of them love me so much. Friends, family and acquaintances always notice it and say “wow, those kids really love you”…But it will never be the way they love their mom. They can’t allow themselves to because she is their mom, and I am not.

    Transition days used to be SO hard. The littlest used to cry when she would leave our house cause she missed her Dad. I felt so incredibly affected by the transition days and dreaded them. Now it has gotten to be so smooth. I promise it gets better as they get older.

    Hang in there and I am always here to talk! I totally get it.
    How are you feeling?

    • Maybe I should introduce the term “step parental alienation”. I think it has worsened actually. I am expecting some challenging teenage years. Thank you for your support! I am glad to hear things are smoother in your family. We started out smooth and then it got more rough. I don’t take anything for granted 🙂

    • trishwriter permalink

      This post made me so sad. I am a “bio” mom that treats my daughters’ step mom like a human being. I write articles for two websites, Big Blended Family, and Her View From Home. I’m on twitter as @trishiewriter

      I just posted an article about shopping with my daughters’ step mom. Yes, we took the kids shopping together. We talk daily. We have co birthdays and co parenting meetings in person. I care for her, respect her, and appreciate her immensely.

      I have been shocked since writing about my family how nasty some bio moms are to the step mom in their life. I don’t understand it. I am trying to change it. Just know that there is a such thing as a nice and fair bio mom=me. There is hope.

  2. You’re doing the perfect thing to cope. You are not changing how you treat the kids and not calling her out which would only hurt the kids. I sent my fiance’s baby Mama a Mother’s Day gift last year I made with her daughter (a flower pot with handprints on it and flowers in it)…. a week after she (literally) slammed her front door in my face after saying I could never provide a ride for her daughter. Eventually, she came around and I was happy I acted how I did!

  3. trishwriter permalink

    This post made me so sad. I am a “bio” mom that treats my daughters’ step mom like a human being. I write articles for two websites, Big Blended Family, and Her View From Home. I’m on twitter as @trishiewriter

    I just posted an article about shopping with my daughters’ step mom. Yes, we took the kids shopping together. We talk daily. We have co birthdays and co parenting meetings in person. I care for her, respect her, and appreciate her immensely.

    I have been shocked since writing about my family how nasty some bio moms are to the step mom in their life. I don’t understand it. I am trying to change it. Just know that there is a such thing as a nice and fair bio mom=me. There is hope.

    • Thank you for your comment. So many moms do a tremendous job honoring stepparents in their kids life, even when there are hurts and shattered dreams. I am do happy to hear about how you treat your children’s stepmom. What a blessing for her! Being stepmom is fun but also challenging and having a moms support can make a huge difference.

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